As it turns out, there is an app for everything. Need a dictionary? There's an app for that. Need to learn a new language? There's an app for that. Need to tattoo the name of your favourite candy bar onto your torso? There's an app for that.

Although we do have better suggestions than candy. jonnyetc

The beauty of apps galore is that there are a few people using this power for good, such as the wonderful individuals over at the Poetry Foundation who came up with the aptly titled "Poetry" app for Android. Having spent most of my years crusading against technology, I can now say I have officially been converted. I am Android user people, iBoys, come at me, bro!

I'm totally the best at taking screenshots, obviously.

Hopefully this app will revolutionise (<<---BRITISH ENGLISH, undo the squiggly line dangit!) my quest for a deeper understanding of poetry, what with features such as selecting poetry to match moods and such.
Also, I require a monocle and top hat. Anyone with information on how to acquire these items, send me an email, M&Ms await.


I would like to match my fabulous new birds.

From my best friend Marceline and I, 'tis all. Wishing you a good morrow, we sign off with the traditional salutation of Sirs:

 Adieu. memebase
As promised, your friendly neighbourhood procrastinator is finally getting around to reading the pictured Ceolho. I don't actually use bookmarks, the Post It is for dramatic effect, naturally. As you can see, the book is fairly slim, I could have read it from start to finish in one sitting if I didn't have to pause and stop my eyeballs from rolling out the door. Yes, I am rolling my eyes that hard at some parts of the book, but I do see its value and have learned a few things. So yeah. Also, hello, and welcome back.


You really should. Cook for me. And sing to me. foodiggity

Back to Coelho.I can't figure out if I'm the one that's not getting it or if is really is a ludicrous, ludicrous work of art. I mean, sure, the Cruelty Exercise has it's value: You're walking along the street, fresh and fabulous in your awesome new sandals, when a random douchecopter walks by, veering into your path and decisively stomps on your foot. Accidentally? Possibly. Apology forthcoming? No dice.

Seriously. This is an accurate representation.

Situations like these lend themselves to leading your imagination down a dark alley, in which sandal scuffing assaulter-persons are possibly attacked by sandal/shark hybrids wielding machetes. With the Cruelty Exercise, you can focus on the physical pain to understand the psychological damage of dwelling on designing a car made entirely out of chainsaws to hunt down the Toe Bandit, and letting go of those thoughts. Although the book recommends creating your own pain, I am quite partial to not suffering, hence, no sale.

Yes please! 9gag


Disregarding the moments that make me ask myself why I chose to start what sounds like the ramblings of my future self after the toxoplasmosis from my 17 cats sets in, I will conquer this book, ladies and gents, then I will find someone to explain it to me and get back to you.



I had every intention of speaking about Kiki de Montparnasse aka Alice Prin, she of the everything awesome back in the early 1900s.  Crowned Queen of all Things Risque by bloggers who need to do more research, Kiki had an ugly upbringing that led her to take...a path less traveled, becoming an artist and muse for that particular period of creative revolution. Kiki, get it girl. Of the transition from icon of excess and self-indulgence to luxury brand, I know little. All I can say is, Kiki longed for immortality through art and now, it can be argued that she has it.


Also, totally just discovered this blog Strange Flowers, epic art is epic and I am officially a fan. Before I leave, I find myself beholden to share the wise words of Khaleesi Dany as she has given me the necessary hair-flipping power to face the week with enthusiasm and a reason to shout "Dracarys!" at people I intent to hunt down rude strangers on the street and hope that my guardian angel is secretly a dragon. ...it could happen, they both have wings!

I need a minute. buzzfeed

I mean, really, is...I can't. I don't even...I can't. *fangirl spasms* Stay classy Khaleesi, your kindness may have gotten your husband and unborn child murdered, but it just got you a loyal army now, reclaim the Throne! Alas, I must make my hasty egress. I leave you in the safe hands of my new pet. Just don't make him mad 'cause when he gets angry he tends to-.....

....oops. buzzfeed


Pro tip: When someone who's on vacation tells you about this AMAZING new series that you must watch in its entirety on a Sunday night, just say no.

Damn you. darrenaissance

In the interest of finishing this up as fast as possible and sneaking a mid afternoon nap, I shall edit my innate need to be verbose and stray into unrelated tangents. Such as how adorable that kitten is and how my immediate instinct is to cuddle and not bite as suggested by this article


Haterade aside, this was to be an avenue for me to share my photography finds of the week. I begin with this "Churches as Tanks" bit, which....I won't even pretend to get.


 Entitled "Churchtanks", the series is meant as a critique of religion in a way that I do not comprehend, and do not intend to think about, but you can check it out at that link. My focus for today will be more...pedestrian and...Philistine as far as artistic photography goes BUT it is fun. A beautiful photographer named Paolo Patrizi did a f.a.b.u.l.o.u.s piece chronicling the day to day life of a modern day sumo wrestler and...well, I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

via slate
I promised to keep this short, and I will. No further introduction is necessary other than that the wrestlers spend most of the day actually dressed like that, outside, in the sun, where people can see them, because they're braver than bloggers who would like to try it. Again, the series of pictures is at this Slate link, where you should be right immediately now.

Enjoy, my loves, and anyone interested in taking the Dress Like A Sumo Wrestler challenge, drop me an email.*

*Please don't. 
-Haji

Have an awesome week, like Sirs.

Because the Three Cat Quota is a blogger rule. perfectlypoly




So, the internet. My second home. The parallel reality I'm constantly plugged into and live my alternate life through, like chubby-old Boris Kudjoe in that movie with Bruce Willis that had the remote-controlled action figures that people sent to work for them and had babies with. That I may have watched while half asleep.

This was definitely in "Surrogates", right? beyondhollywood

The point here is, the Internet is the love of my life, and I know the feeling is mutual, because we confirmed our relationship status on Facebook. The problem, however, with the internet, is that it is like Black; you can never go back. Having spent shocking (shameful) chunks of time on Buzzfeed and 9Gag, my brain has rearranged itself completely. If you follow me on Twitter (and you should, seriously. I like, never tweet, but when I do, they are deep thoughts of WISDOM that will change your life), you are aware of the predicament that recently faced me when I attempted to engage in one of my favourite hipstrobbies. Because hipsters can't have hobbies, those are too mainstream.

WISDOM!

Clicking over to the pre-bookmarked The New Yorker page, whence I expected to partake in a fabulous sample of creative literary art or absorb a thoughtful dissection of current events by someone else who knows things, I was met with a jarring revelation: I am a kitten.

Specifically, this one. buzzfeed

Not in the literal sense, although how rocking would that be, in the sense that I now have the approximate attention span of a kitten. With ADD. That overdosed on crystal meth. And rolled in cocaine. What I'm trying to say is I found myself incapable of sitting still long enough to get through an intellectually enriching article because it was not punctuated by a picture, preferably of a kitten. With ADD. That overdosed on crystal meth. And rolled in cocaine.

Seriously, kids, stay in school. m0tion

Looking back, I really should not have been surprised: the four unread novels somewhere in the reaches of my personal library bear testament to the fact that I have been....internetted. I have become a creature that is incapable of processing information that cannot be consumed in exactly 45 seconds or less.
The unfortunate reality is, if this trend  should continue, all official emails shall have to be reformatted and placed directly over images of things that would catch my waning attention, and be in sentences of six words or less.

And narrated by Regina George, in that exact outfit. fanpop

I know I'm not alone. You there, sir, you know what I mean. Oi, madame, close the fashion editorial open in the next tab and LISTEN. What I'm saying may be the only salvation for our generation. As of this week (yes, I'm aware that I make "this week" resolutions towards the END of the week, it's called pacing yourself, ok?) I shall purpose to read at the very least one article of writing per day that does not feature a Real Housewife or Liz Lemon reference. You should totally join me in this challenge too, by going through the old posts on here. Not that I'm promoting my blog or anything, I'm just saying: you're already here so why not click on something else, y'know, just because it's so close.

Totally not hinting. filmplicity

Hopefully, by the end of next week, I will be able to finish the Coelho I started AGES ago, and finally stop telling people I stopped reading it because he's overrated. Seriously, Paulo, I love you and we should hang out, I didn't mean it.
Until then, loves, Ego Vobis Valedico. May the Saints of Pretension be ever with you, silently judging you from a distance. Deuces!

Because every post needs a little Nene Leakes. assholegifs
Yes, dear imaginary reader, you read correctly. Edgar. Allan. Poe. Wrote. Resident. Evil. My proof:

Several centuries ago (it was centuries ago, right? I'm sure someone will correct me in the comment section....IF I HAD ONE. #MemePlug) Where was I?
Oh yes, many centuries ago lived the man widely revered as the Goth Messiah, founder of all things emo and tragic: E.A. Poe.
Now, being a budding hipster, it is my constitutional duty to be up to speed with classic literature that lends itself to name dropping and semi-smooth conversation plugging.
"Oh yeah, totally, that new Lady Gaga track totally reminds me of that one verse in "Annabel Lee".... Oh, it's just this tragic and timeless poem, you've probably never heard of it..."



Esoterism (new word, shut up) demands, therefore, that I have read his collection of short stories in their entirety. Having done so, and having recently learnt of the new Resident Evil movie, and having just heard of the Ebola outbreak in neighbouring Uganda, your Friendly Neighbourhood Hipster had a fit of the Paranoids and began to devise survival strategies for when the virus inevitably crosses the border.
"Wear a hazmat suit over a hazmat suit inside one of those medical bubbles for kids with no immune system. Hazmatception. *pause to guffaw like a sir*. Come to think of it, a bunker might be a better idea. With sealed ventilation and water recycling and......."
My brilliant strategizing tapered off as my brain matter exploded onto my laptop: UNDERGROUND BUNKER.

Now, in the spirit of never getting to the point, I would like to take this opportunity to describe in painstaking detail the components of my lunch today, but I shall not. Instead I shall get to the gist of this rambling train of thought; walk with me:

 The Masque of The Red Death by E.A. Poe

Synopsis:
  • Mysterious plague ravages the land
  • The fabulously wealthy and nobility decide to build an underground bunker to stay safe from infection
  • They do so
  • Bunker plan epic success, elitists decide to throw self-congratulatory party (hitherto known as a "Masque" or masquerade ball)
  • Dude that nobody knows shows up, in a mask as per the theme.
  • Don't clearly remember the next part but I'm pretty sure everyone starts to panic, or something?
  • Turns out the dude was the physical embodiment of the plague they were avoiding ie the Red Death ( Masque of the Red Death, geddit?)
  • Plague murderizes all of everyone


Pretty simple, kind of straight forward, awesome story filled with awesome. Now, we take a look at Resident Evil, Hark!

Synopsis:
  • Mysterious plague ravages the land
  • Fabulously wealthy corporation (incidentally, who released the virus for...reasons?) build underground bunker to stay safe from epidemic
  • Plan backfires fabulously when living embodiment of awesome Kung Fu skills in heels, who is also immune to and/or was infected with the virus (?) shows up
  • Murderizes most of everyone

In conclusion: Edgar Allan Poe is a time travelling warlock who returned from the past to plagiarize his own work into a modernly relevant masterpiece. Or he is the reincarnation of the great prophet Nostradamus who comes to save the human race by warning of The Great Plague that shall bring society to its knees. Or he's a cross-dressing shape-shifter who reeeeeally wanted to wear a red dress and kill zombies in heels. Kinky, very far outside the mainstream...kinda Hipster actually....excuse me *goes to purchase Grimoire to attain time-travelling and shape-shifting Dark Magic powers*

The POINT, has been pointed ladies and gents, and the case for supernatural chicanery made. E.A Poe, godfather of the Darkness, indeed authored the modern literary film classic, Resident Evil. Or the writers read the short story. Either way.

Yeesh, talk about a lethargic Tuesday. On the bright side, I finally got to say "You're putting emPHAsis on the wrong syLLAble" in context, so hey, it's the little things.

You have learned well, grasshopper. movieactors

In lieu of the fashion post for today (coming this week) I will today venture into uncharted grounds and review a masterpiece by legendary Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. In the course of these poetry reviews, I have managed to uncover the fact that while I appreciate poetry in general, I'm more inclined to remember and want to quote works of the 1800s, and a further subsection of poems that tell a story. So if nothing else, at least I learned that much about myself, which was a sub-agenda of this blog. Hence, yay me!

For Best Soundtrack while Navel-Gazing. I accept. mediogeek

Self-absorption aside, we will be looking at Longfellow's Fata Morgana., which unlike previous poems addressed is a poem I hadn't interacted with before yesterday. To start with, a Fata Morgana is defined as a mirage, with the Italian name for it being derived from witchtastic Morgan Le Faye from the time of King Arthur. Mirages were said to be as a result of Morgan's sorcery aimed at leading sailors to their death, kind of like a terrible siren call.

Proper siren call. ydvils7primo

With that in mind, shall we proceed?

O sweet illusions of Song,
  That tempt me everywhere,
In the lonely fields, and the throng
  Of the crowded thoroughfare! 

The opening is fairly clear and closed to over-analysis by well-meaning bloggers. The mirage in this case is auditory, referenced by the "illusions of song" bit, where the author hears the phantom song whether alone or in a crowd. 

 We have special jackets for that these days. monkeydungeon

Wait! That can be interpreted as the siren song of success as an author! Knew I'd find a way to make this about me. Ten points to Ravenclaw! The next three stanzas are essentially the same concept, with the exception that the hallucination is now visual:


I approach, and ye vanish away,
  I grasp you, and ye are gone;
But ever by night an day,
  The melody soundeth on.

As the weary traveller sees
  In desert or prairie vast,
Blue lakes, overhung with trees,
  That a pleasant shadow cast; 


Fair towns with turrets high,
  And shining roofs of gold,
That vanish as he draws nigh,
  Like mists together rolled,--
 


The second stanza begins with a description of the author's attempts to grasp what I'm assuming is the origin of the siren call, in which context the metaphor of success still holds water. We see the author try in vain to attain this goal, with a comparison drawn between him and a person lost in the desert, wishing for respite even as the mirage continues to torture him with the idea of salvation from misery. In the third stanza, the mirage is shown to be visual, perhaps the city of origin for he call he initially heard?

Like seeing this guy the day your candy stash runs out. cheezburger

Again, I have to draw the parallel between these verses and the quest for success in the field you have chosen. At this point, we see the author spot a city ahead of him and advance towards it, only to have it vanish again, yet he continues to trudge on towards it, as we see in the next paragraph.

So I wander and wander along,
  And forever before me gleams
The shining city of song,
  In the beautiful land of dreams. 

Beautiful island of dreams. etonline

A lot can be said of the author's relentless pursuit towards the city that he knows is a mirage: is it passion for his goal? Is it delusion? Is the town only a mirage because the author fears his own success? The next 


But when I would enter the gate
  Of that golden atmosphere,
It is gone, and I wonder and wait
  For the vision to reappear.

The author has finally reached his destination...only to have it vanish again before his very eyes, as predicted. At this juncture, he stops and waits for the mirage to reappear. Does he finally come to his senses, making it a happy ending? Not really. Sitting around and waiting for his idea of Nirvana to appear is hardly considered healthy. Has he given up on is vision? Again, not really. He IS still waiting for it to appear. 

 Not pictured: Healthy Behaviour. digitalbusstop

The ending summarizes the tone of the poem succinctly: bland. Lukewarm. Longfellow had been accused in his time of writing to draw the masses, sort of like doing posts for hits/views in this generation, so it is entirely possible that this poem was one of his fluff pieces. For my part, I felt no actual emotion from the poem, save for when superimposed over the theme of seeking success, in which case it is a terrible, terrible tale of a person that starts out clawing their way to the top then finally gives up after a few setbacks, deciding success would come to him if it were meant to be. 

Perhaps through the invention of a remote with legs. cheezburger

I choose to believe that  darling Longfellow was making commentary on the state of ambition: where too much or too little of it can lead to oblivion in one way or another, either from stagnation, or from trying too hard to get to something that is and will always be unattainable. Te message here is moderation: to attain the proper balance between the two extremes. Long story short? Kids, you canNOT do whatever your set your mind to, so maybe try and aim lower, for your own sake. Yea, that's probably it.

 You and your dreams. You're Cady. weheartit