It is 02:15am right now and I'm wide awake because shut up, that's not the point. What the point IS is the movie that just wrapped up on telly: “Disconnect”. Whatever you're doing right now, stahp: immediately open a new browser window and LEGALLY get the 2012/2013 movie asaptually, no joke.

Had to have the poster somewhere. moviegos

The TV guide blurb crawl thing noted the film as being about Jason Bateman (yaaaaaass) and Paula Patton (ugh) discovering the dark side of technology because yeah right like we read past 'dark side' & Jason Bateman. The name & lack of anything else to watch sold it for me immediately, and I opted to watch because I was hoping to see terrible things happen to terrible-at-acting (Baggage Claim) Paula Patton by way of being annoyed they picked her as the female lead.

Her? giphy

You guys. Guys. Jason Bateman stars as a high flying walking neglectful parent trope lawyer with a wife who was maybe a bowl of porridge because her contribution to the film was....y'know what? I have no idea. Lovely actress though, no shade. He has two kids, one a popular teen daughter and the other a socially awkard son with no friends who was not played by Micheal Cera, my fantasy man. Said lonely emo kid is a music composer? He meets this 'girl' on Facebook who was superbly played by Manti Teo's girlfriend, in her debut film role.

This timely reference brought to you by ACME industries. stlewis.blogspot

Much like your personal contribution to preserving the environment, said Jessica girl does not exist. (GO VOLUNTEER AT KARURA FOREST!!)
'She' is a stunning work of douchebaggy pranking by the kid who played Young Sam Winchester that bunch of episodes and his bizzaro friend named Fry. As it turns out, Young Sam Winchester is actually a pretty lonely kid who lives with his father, That One Guy From The Purge who used to be a cop but retired to spend more time with Young Sam Winchester after his wife died. He is also a private investigator of cyber crime. His latest case? A fraud involving Eric Northman in Average Joe cosplay that does this Viking deity zero hotness justice.

Precisely. popsugar

His character, however, is the amaze. A former marine married to Paula Patton (ugh) who lost their son somehow, he is now distant towards his wife because she's Paula Patton and also because grief. Said lady who is probably very nice in real life while being an unfortunate actress spends most of her time online selling art and speaking to people on a grief support chat site about their deceased child. A little (understandable) emotional adultery from Paula an online gaming addiction from Northman later, they find out their bank accounts have been drained and the police can essentially do nothing for them, hence the hiring of That One Guy From The Purge.

This One Guy From The Purge. dailymotion

A seperate, darker story line stars Redhead Reporter who gets a line on a teen webcam model, the lovely French kid whose name I actually Googled & will repetitively use as it's fun to spell (Max Thieriot) from “The House at the End of The Lane” and “Bates Motel”. Sidebar: how sad was his story there? When you find yourself rooting for the serial murder-kidnapper in the movie, the actor is goooood. Or, has a babyface that demands you sympathize and cook him soup, whatever. Sidebar, over. Redhead Reporter gets Max Thieriot to tell her about the house where he and other underage video models live in a kinda heartbreaking expose that gets aired on the local news and eventually picked up by CNN. Here, the FBI get involved and demand Max Thieriot's  address so they can go rescue the kids, which she's advised to do by her company's lawyer, Patrick Bateman.

Patrick, by the way, is dealing with the fact that his composer emo son tried to kill himself after a compromising picture of himself he sent “Jessica” is shared around the school by Young Sam Winchester, because being a teenager wasn't hard enough. Said emo teen is hospitalized in a coma and Young Sam Winchester, feeling guilty goes to visit, running into Patrick Bateman who eventually figures out who “Jessica” is after Facebook chatting with “her”. Some very poignant points are made during these chats, about being a father, admitting Patrick's failings, identifying that Young Sam Winchester/”Jessica” is a pretty lonely kid, providing a sad look into his relationship with his own dad and all that good stuff.

Like this, but with less angels. destiel-and-supernatural-songs.tumblr

Patrick Bateman therefore goes to Young Sam Winchester's house to confront the kid about his part in spreading the picture that prompted the suicide attempt. Meanwhile, That One Guy From The Purge has also figured out what his kid did, reading the “Jessica” chats and getting insight into his kid's attitude problems/general “activate motherly instincts you didn't know you had”-ness. He answers the door to find an enraged Patrick Bateman who KNOWS. *dun dun duuuuuun*

Redhead Reporter's promises to come save Max Thieriot as a cover to get his address and send the FBI to raid the house, which their awful pimp is somehow alerted to and escapes with the kids to a motel. Max Thieriot calls Redhead Reporter to inform her of this, and as her guilt catches up with her, she heads to the motel to pick him up, saying she'll get him out of the webcam life. When she refuses to agree to concrete terms, such as letting him live with her, he realizes she was essentially using him to further his career, too little too late offer to help notwithstanding. He states that she is worse than his pimp (played by freaking MARC JACOBS) and storms off, back toward the motel. Redhead Reporter follows him, promising to help, when Max Thieriot's horrible pimp, who had been watching from the motel window the whole time steps outside, fist raised, to intercede. *dun dun duuuuuuuun*

In storylines we wish had more competent female leads land, Eric Northman and Paula Patton get information about the guy that stole their identity from That One Guy From The Purge and do a whole lot of “We are certifiably stupid” by speaking to him at his job, breaking into his home and having an emotional discussion while parked outside his house. That One Guy From The Purge calls them right before they confront him to say that the guy they've been stalking was also a victim of the fraud, as the real fraudster implicated the stalkee through a proxy IP adress. By then, the stalkee has noticed them outside his home and knowing they've been trailing him, comes to investigate. While Paula Patton (unconvincingly) tries to emotionally connect with the guy, he orders Eric Northman out of the gunpoint. *dun dun duuuuuuuun*

I know, right??? bridalguide

Real talk, I had to pee so bad from about 27 minutes into the movie but the story-lines had me more than willing to risk permanent bladder damage to see what happened next. This from a fan of inappropriate TMI that is usually quite alright with googling movie plots and never seeing them through to the end, or sometimes, not watching them at all. You would expect this movie to bring the extreme feelz but you have the Evey Guarantee that no tears will be shed. Even by those of us who legit wept our way through all 25 episodes of Shingeki no Kyojin.

If you take nothing else from strangers who write on the internet, take this: 'Disconnect' is the understated and underrated masterpiece you need in your movie library. Many, many films have tried to pull off the interconnected storylines format since “Crash” with often unfortunate results, but this? You guys. Again, acquire this movie immediately, within the scope of the law. #WeAreNotLegallyLiableForThis

For random movie reviews & the thing my doctor calls “insomnia”, this has been Evey G. 

Pow! wifflegif

Fashion fans and fanatics, it's time: we need to stop wearing clothes. 

As you should have heard by now from the frantic nonstop frothing of your otaku friends about the coming live action movie, Shingeki no Kyojin (also known as 'Attack on Titan' manga series & anime) is THE hottest commodity the world of anime/manga has gifted the world since the beginning of time.

Aside from an exquisite storyline, unforgettable characters and mind-melting visuals, Attack on Titan has also given us one more invaluable gift: fashion and style tips for the ages. 
Yes, you can indeed expect the fashion industry to stand up and pay attention to this stunning stylings of Eren, Mikasa, Armin, and of course, LEVI! 

Yes. rebloggy

Fashion bloggers and style fans take note: this is how YOU can be the best dressed gal or guy in the room with Shingeki no Kyojin (SNK):

1. Sometimes, No Clothes are the best clothes
The world has continued to lean towards the “going natural” trends and the fashion world agrees! One great way to embrace the natural you is simply to ditch the latest clothing fads and show off your amazing skin by going au naturale: wear no clothes at all!
An important point to remember when embracing this trend is that modesty is key. Remember to trim unnecessary body parts such as all external genitalia to avoid a nasty fashion faux pas that's a major no-no!

Better yet, why not step it up a notch by ditching both clothes AND skin altogether? The message repeated by fashion mavens through the ages has remained the same: embrace the natural you! What's more attractive to a potential suitor than a confident display of how developed and functional your tendons are? If you're single, you're guaranteed not to be for much longer!***Note 1

The perfect ensemble for prom. (obvious screenshot)

2. Have a Personal Coat of Arms
The residents of Shingeki no Kyojin are divided into 3 walls, each with their own distinct and identifying symbol; a great fashion lesson in personal branding. What can be more one of a kind than a symbol that's all yours? A good place to start would be with a butterfly, heart, flock of birds or a dolphin as your foundation, then build on that to make your sidgil truly one of a kind. This is best displayed on your lower back or, should you go for a more tribal chic or barbed wire-inspired design, on your bicep, where it can be shown off by your collection of muscle t-shirts.

Ours is the fury! butterfatstudios

3. When choosing accessories go for stylish AND functional
In the olden days, when fashion was just a fledgling concept, the trend setters of the day knew how to make every item of clothing count. Earrings that could be used as spear tips, bracelets with jangling beads that could serve as toys for children, loincloths that could double as...morning after loincloths: everything had a purpose beyond aesthetics.

For your next date. curellasays

Take this to the next leve with Shingeki no Kyojin inspired 3D maneuver gear. Customizable in different colours such as steel, chrome, or metallic grey to match your styling needs, this funky accessory serves both as an elegant mode of transportation and a statement piece to really make your outfit stand out.

Like Spiderman, but AWESOME. rebloggy

Functional 3D maneuver gear not yet available in your country? Build your own DIY project from reinforced titanium, intricate pully sytems and lengths of barbed wire. Test out your creation by jumping off the roof adjacent to the next social event or fashion gathering you wish to attend to make a splash!***Note 2

4. Pop of Colour
Add a daredevil hint of excitement to your formal gown with the effortlessly stylish Survey Corps hooded cape. Protect your hair from the elements, hide your face from papparazi or ex boyfriends and look chic, all at once with this forest green fashion must have, made that much more unique and fashion forward by the wings of freedom emblazoned across the back.

Seen here on Mariah Carey in 1995. ebay

5. Incorporate Living Elements to Really Make Your Outfit stand out
Bond villains have their white cats, our dark lord Mugatu has his poodle, and you, dear fashion forward reader, what do you have? A horse.

Oh, hello there. chickensmoothie

Understandably, keeping a horse requires a little bit more effort than the average Paris Hilton purse dog, but it is beyond worth it. Aside from a fashion statement no one will forget, you also get a convenient source of instant hair extensions, which, so hot right now.

Hansel is the name of my horse. imgfave

Show up at a party wearing the same outfit as someone else? Your problem can easily be solved in a dignified ladylike way by getting your horse to take a steaming, fashionable dump on the offender to prompt a change of clothes. Horses can also be dyed to match your outfit of the day, with a wide range of organic paints that are great on your skin and gentle on Mother Earth.

Which is not crazy and unnecessary at all.  adorableanimals4lois

There you have it, dolls! Not only is Shingeki no Kyojin among the best manga/anime series known to man, it is also a deep well of fashion inspiration. Go ye forth and put your best foot forward with these stylish tips and we guarantee you'll be the talk of the town. Remember to share your pictures with us on Instagram and Twitter, with the hashtag #WeAreNotLegallyLiableForThis.
Have a fashionable week, ladies and gents!

***Note 1: because you'll be dead from massive infection. But still not single!
***Note 2: A red splash, because your design may not work as advertised, and you will super die. A stylish red splash though.